Live Well in Mexico by Planning for Death
Death is not waiting for us; it is already here and has been walking alongside us our whole lives. Since the moment we were born, our death has been inevitable. Most of the time, we prefer to deny or avoid this truth, despite knowing how denial or avoidance usually works out. Hint: it’s the cause of much harm. To avoid harming ourselves or others, what then, is the opposite of denial?
Acceptance. We can minimize suffering by acknowledging the end of life, by inviting it into our everyday awareness. By doing so, we embrace reality versus running from it. This is an act of awakening. Those who meditate might say it is the act of awakening. Planning for death brings us to life.
As immigrants to Mexico, we are interested in living. We traveled south of the border to live more fully. We enjoy the great sensorial experience that is Mexico, the colors, sounds, smells and tastes, the culture of saying buenos días to strangers we pass on the sidewalk, the relaxed energy of a country less focused on productivity and more connected to pleasure.
Perhaps we can integrate into the magical reality that is Mexico more completely if we get one thing out of the way: the ever-present (yet often subtle, unnoticed) dread regarding how this might end.
Planning for end of life can feel overwhelming, but it’s easily broken down into manageable steps. We can start by preparing for non-life-threatening emergencies. With such a plan in place, we might immediately feel more at ease and encouraged to go further.
Your Mexican Emergency Plan
End-of-life planner Loretta Downs refers to the expats of Ajijic as the Olympians of aging. Not satisfied with a retirement spent sitting in La-Z-Boys watching CNN, this population is playing pickleball, walking with their dogs and neighbors, going to art classes, volunteering and truly living. Staying out and about might make us more prone to injury, but accidents can happen despite our age or our level of activity. In Mexico, what will you do if you urgently need medical attention?
911 doesn’t always work in Mexico the same way it does in the U.S. An ambulance is not always the fastest means of getting to the hospital. In many regions, it makes far more sense to have a different plan. To get started with yours, research the answers to the following questions…
What is my nearest and/or preferred hospital?
What is the fastest way to get there if I cannot drive my own car?
Who should be notified if someone else takes me to the hospital?
Those are the basics. As we take these questions further, we enter into the realm of a more comprehensive end-of-life plan. For example, what type of care would you like to receive if you are unable to communicate your wishes to the medical staff? Now, we’re looking at creating an advance directive, having courageous and meaningful conversations with our partners, children, friends or neighbors, and we’re well on our way to an end-of-life plan.
Advance Directives in Mexico
Laws in Mexico vary from state to state, perhaps more so than they do in the US. Further, the practical applicability of an advance directive can vary between regions within the same state or between hospitals in the same region. As I learned from patient advocate Deborah Bickel, having a legal advance directive in Mexico is important, but entrusting a real-life person to make sure it is followed is even more critical. It’s even better if the real-life person you’ve engaged to be your health advocate has a legal piece of paper that declares them so.
First, get clear on what type of medical care you would or would not want in a situation when you cannot speak for yourself. What would you prefer if your situation was treatable, versus if it was not? In what scenario would you prefer to be made comfortable?
Speak to your chosen healthcare proxy about your decisions, as nuance will not be reflected in a legal document. Then, speak to a lawyer or notario in your region of Mexico and ask what legal documents they recommend.
End-of-Life Assistance in Mexico
As we age, there will come a time when we will need assistance. Some statistics say that on average, we need help for the last eight years of our lives. Relying on a same-age partner to be this source of help is perhaps not the wisest plan. We might not have a partner. So, who will be our helper? In Mexico, as in the US, there are options for non-medical and medical home-based assistance, or we can move to a care facility to get the help we need. The sooner we plan, the more choice we have in the matter. When we’re pressured to make decisions in an emergency, our choices can be limited.
This ‘I wish you would have called me sooner’ sentiment is one expressed by home health care provider Brittany Baker, who has seen it all. In Mexico, help is relatively affordable compared to the US, and it can go a long way in keeping us safe and comfortable.
When to Get a Mexican Will
Planning for end of life isn’t something only elderly people do. The truth is, the time of our death is uncertain. The earlier we prepare, the more we reduce the risk of facing the end of life not having prepared, and the sooner we can put the need to prepare out of our minds. In Mexico, if we die without a will, we’re potentially leaving behind an administrative nightmare for our intended beneficiaries. The rules of inheritance don’t apply in Mexico the same way they do in the US. Further, if you’ve ever tried to get anything done in Mexico, you know how slow the legal and bureaucratic process can be.
To avoid the purgatory of probate, anyone with assets in Mexico (real estate, car, boat, RV, bank account, etc) should have a will. Talk to a lawyer to find out what type of legal documents will best protect you. September is will month in Mexico, meaning discounted rates are on offer, and there’s less excuse not to get it done.
Pre-Paid Funeral Plans in Mexico
There’s a myth among some expats that when you die in Mexico, your friends can simply bury you in the desert, throw you overboard in the Pacific, or that the US consulate will sweep in to take your body back to the US. No, no and no. In Mexico, if you don’t plan for what will happen to your body after you die, your next of kin will be contacted to do this planning for you, at great financial and emotional expense.
Funeral homes in Mexico commonly have what’s called pre-need funeral plans. You contract with a funeral home ahead of time, choose cremation or burial, get all your paperwork done and pay at today’s rates. As I learned from speaking to funeral home owners Toni Lehman and Damián Lire-Medina, this is not scammy at all. Contract law in Mexico is very favorable toward the consumer. With little risk and lots to save in terms of stress and pesos, this is something to look into.
Options like green burial, if that’s important to you, are only made possible with advance planning. After speaking with the activist behind Mexico’s first green burial cemetery, Wilka Roig, I learned it may even take a bit of a fight. Those who plan can get this done. In Mexico, the fluidity of the law can be to our advantage.
Grief Resources for Expats in Mexico
As an expat grieving in Mexico, we may feel separate, alone or with fewer networks of support available or resources to lean on. On the other hand, we may feel even more free to mourn in a welcoming culture that can seem less shy about expressing emotion and perhaps, is more accepting of death.
Whether or not it’s true that Mexico has a culture of death acceptance is an interesting question. Mexico is home to what is perhaps the world’s most famous grief ritual, Dia de Muertos. In my conversation with thanatologist and yoga Elis Regina, however, I learned that while the holiday is important as a day of remembrance, it doesn’t necessarily translate to an everyday acceptance of death as part of life. We’re all human. A near-universal part of this human experience is the sense of loss, sadness and grief that comes with death.
To navigate grief, it helps not to do it alone. Thanatology is the study of death. In Mexico, a tanatologia is someone who specializes in helping people navigate grief. In addition to communing with friends, neighbors, pets or nature, we might search for a thanatologist.
Accepting Versus Avoiding
It can be helpful to remember that grief is not an illness from which we need to recover. In this world, grief is and always will be with us, just as death is ever present alongside the living.
This truth need not make our lives more miserable. Paradoxically, it’s our denial of this reality that leads to pain and suffering. To accept death (and grief) as part of life has infinite potential to make our lives more vibrant and meaningful. Precisely because we are not here forever, every moment is a gift. If we’re still avoiding planning for it, have we truly accepted the truth of death?
Would you like to learn more about end of life planning for expats in Mexico? Join the interest list for our upcoming book, How to Die in Mexico.
