The Loneliness of Expat Life

As expats, many of us made the decision to leave support networks behind when we chose to move to Mexico. We moved away from immediate family, away from lifelong friends, and away from the communities in which we spent the most formative parts of our lives. If we were lucky enough to have consistent healthcare in the US, we may have also moved from a family doctor or medical care team.

Young and full of adventure, we were driven by the desire for independence, to live life on our own terms. Yet, as we age and necessity drives us to seek sources of support, we may find ourselves feeling alone. 

Reacting to loneliness, some expats move back. Through observation and conversations with many who have chosen to return to the United States for end of life, familiarity stands out as the number one reason why some choose to leave. Familiarity as it relates to family. There are adult children present who can help take care of me. Familiarity as it relates to a perception of safety. In the medical system I grew up in, where English is spoken, where Medicare is accepted, where the system and not the patient generally dictates the treatment, where who can be sued for what is clearcut, I feel protected.   

Of course, some of us stay because Mexico is home and we wouldn’t have it any other way. In my experience, some who stay do so because they are estranged from their families in the US, or they simply have no place there to return to. Moving back is not an option. Some people are not relying on help from their adult children and are clear about not wanting to become a burden on their families. In the best case, those who stay have connected to community in Mexico, both expats and locals, who can be of assistance to them as they get older. Often, expats struggle to find those supportive networks, relying on luck and the kindness of neighbors and relative strangers to help them meet their most basic needs. 

The harsh truth is that many times, expats in Mexico who have not planned for the end of life die in discomfort, alone.

If you’re reading the article and feeling alone, you likely fall into the category of those who are willing to take responsibility for their loneliness. Healing our loneliness includes (1) accepting the truth that we are lonely, (2) recognizing loneliness as a human emotion, and (3) giving ourselves grace. Healing also entails taking action to build meaningful relationships in our chosen home.

Loneliness Among Expats And The Elderly

Many expats felt lonely before they arrived in Mexico. The feeling of being alone was perhaps an existential one. You may have felt there was always something different about you. That’s not necessarily a negative. Those who choose to spend life somewhere other than where they were born sometimes do so with a clear sense of purpose. That said, moving from your homeland puts you in a minority. Even those with the greatest conviction that they are living authentically, in the way that’s most meaningful to them, can sometimes feel disconnected when others seem not to hold their same views. Perhaps in Mexico, you still feel disconnected, albeit for different reasons. 

It’s not always easy to build a life in a culture that’s different from the one you grew up in, even if that new culture is one you’re very fond of. Cultural differences can be made more challenging if you’re not fluent in the Spanish language. 

Maybe you’ve found social connections among other US expats, but are these really your people? As expats, we can sometimes feel pressure to connect to others from our countries of origin, but just because we share a birthplace, doesn’t always mean we share the same values. It’s possible to feel lonely without physically being alone. 

In a 2021 study on older migrants and loneliness, researchers found that on average, immigrants are at greater risk of loneliness than others their same age who remain in the homeland they were born in. Even when these groups faced no structural disadvantages, they did face emotional challenges.

Like all emotions, loneliness comes and goes and at times, we feel it more acutely than at other times. When unaddressed, chronic loneliness can lead to anxiety or depression. It is also related to adverse physical health, especially in senior populations.

If your loneliness is bothering you, do your best to offer yourself grace. Sometimes loneliness is just a passing mood. Whether your loneliness is situational or lingering, however, you can also take action steps to build a greater connection to your local community. 

Connecting To Community

Everyone, whether feeling lonely or not, can benefit from closer relationships with those who live in their proximity. And perhaps all expats, whether lonely or not, benefit from putting intentional effort into connecting to their local community. 

To rest in a state of balance, the human central nervous system needs to feel a safe connection to other humans. This is not just a feel-good suggestion. Our central nervous system has evolved circuitry that only thrives when we are socially connected to others. 

A meta-analysis of 23 studies on the topic found that those who have supportive, close social networks tend to be healthier and live longer. So, what can we do to better connect to our local community?

The following are a few ways to connect, as prevention or prescription for loneliness. 

• Sleep well, eat well, exercise. First things first, take care of your health. Maintain a routine that might include getting out and about in your community. Can you buy fresh, organic produce at a local market? Might your exercise routine include meeting up with others?

• Join clubs and attend events. What are your interests? You can find both Spanish-speaking and English-speaking events. While entertainment is nice, courses, workshops and clubs that focus on physical movement, time in nature or creative outlets may also be more engaging.

• Volunteer. Who in your community is doing good work to help others? You’ll find kind people in these organizations, and there are many ways to help that don’t require fluency in Spanish.

• Learn the language. Being able to speak Spanish, or at least try, will invite a greater sense of connection into all your interactions. Joining a local, in-person Spanish class can also help you meet others.

• Say yes when invited. When invited to participate in an event, say yes! You may be worried you won’t know anyone or that you won’t be able to speak the language, but you’ll be surprised by how friendly people are and the opportunities that can arise when we step out of our comfort zone.

• Make friend dates with people you meet. When you do meet someone you feel you connect to, don’t simply hope you’ll cross paths again. Take the initiative to get their WhatsApp, to invite them for a cup of coffee or a lunch date, or to share a special interest together.

• Do things alone, in public. When we feel lonely, it can be tempting to keep to ourselves, to stay indoors and further isolate. We may feel particularly self-conscious about being alone in public. Bring a book to a coffee shop, treat yourself to a nice dinner, or enjoy a walk through town. Notice how many people are doing the same and when you see them, smile.

How have you connected to your local community in Mexico? Share in the comments. To join our community, where we discuss end-of-life and death in Mexico, visit our Facebook group.