Grieving As An Expat In Mexico
Grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt teaches that when grieving, we can find peace by practicing the six needs of mourning. Mourning, Wolfet reminds us, is an outward expression of grief, while grief is an internal experience. So, how can we make space (and time) for healthy expressions of grief? As immigrants to Mexico, we may find it easier, or harder, to mourn.
“To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys. We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.” - Dr. Alan Wolfelt
We all experience grief and mourning differently. We may be attracted to certain mourning practices over others, and that’s ok. Nonetheless, we can benefit by visiting all six of the ‘reconciliation needs of mourning,’ presented here with some special considerations for expats.
Acknowledge the Reality of the Death
It may seem obvious that acknowledging someone’s death is necessary, but we often attempt to protect ourselves from pain by denying reality. This is not something we do intentionally. Often, denial depends on our lack of awareness.
As an expat, accepting someone has died can be challenging, especially if we are mourning the death of someone in our native country, someone who lives far from us, or someone we haven’t seen in a long time. Denying reality can also be a protective action, especially if we already feel unsafe or without resources and close networks of support.
Wolfelt reminds us that acceptance of a loved one’s death does not happen overnight. This first step may take weeks or even longer as we come to terms with the truth that someone is gone. I remember, for example, the number of times I would instinctually reach for the phone to call my dad, long after he had died.
It can help to practice sharing our truth (and our struggles with it). As you feel ready, try talking to others about the death of your loved one. Hoy estoy un poco triste, alguien cercano a mí ha fallecido recientemente. Throughout the process, give yourself grace and self-compassion.
2. Embrace the Pain of the Loss
Before we can address any type of discomfort, pain or suffering, we must acknowledge how we feel. Our loved one has died. It hurts. Acknowledging pain can be scary. It can be even more frightening if we feel alone or without close friends to support us. On the other hand, it’s possible that in a new, foreign-feeling country, we feel freer being vulnerable. There may be less need for performative acts of ok-ness.
Embracing pain is not an all-or-nothing process. By working mindfully with pain, we can learn to touch the edges of our pain, to titrate in and out of its most tender center, visiting the deepest parts of our pain only as we feel resourced. A skilled, compassionate therapist or grief specialist can help us with the process of getting in touch with our feelings. In Mexico, this person may be referred to as a tantológico/a.
The bottom line? Suppressing, denying or bypassing our pain, as tempting as that may be, is not conducive to long-term healing. Further, we cannot fully embody other emotions, like joy, happiness or gratitude, if we’re attempting to block the emotions we deem as painful.
3. Remember the Person Who Has Died
In the United States, cultural norms sometimes tell us it’s best to forget and move on. We might also feel that blocking or disengaging from memories of our loved ones helps keep us safe from discomfort or pain. In Mexico, it can be more common for survivors to keep photographs of their deceased loved ones in a place that’s visible daily, to tell stories of those who have passed, to live with their memories in their homes.
There’s no reason not to continue a relationship with your loved one, even after they have left their body. You can practice intentional remembering by keeping a photo of your loved one, by holding onto some of their belongings, or by continuing to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries.
Rituals for remembering the dead may include creating a small altar or lighting a candle for them in your home, writing them a letter, or enjoying their favorite meal.
4. Develop a New Self-Identity
When someone close to us dies, our relationship to them changes. Are we still a daughter if our parents are deceased? Still a wife if our husband has died? Still a parent if our child has died? How we self-identify is complicated. After a death, we may no longer be a caretaker, for example, our daily tasks or shared hobbies may change.
Depending on who we are mourning and what our relationship to them was, we may find that developing a new self-identity is more, or less, challenging as an expat in Mexico. Often, as expats, we have the advantage of having previously gone through a process of softening around our identity. When we first moved to Mexico, we had to learn new ways of relating to others and the world around us.
You can do this again. Give yourself space and time to rediscover what brings you joy, what you love about Mexico and what it’s like to navigate a new culture in a new way. Allow things to feel unfamiliar and embrace the sacred liminal space of becoming. This too, will change.
5. Search for Meaning
Life and death are great mysteries. Why we die, when we die and how are great unknowns that can evoke fear, anger and sometimes doubt regarding spiritual beliefs or meaning we previously held dear. We can hold space for the mystery of it all while finding comfort in assigning meaning to life and death.
The search for meaning is personal and ongoing. As expats, we may already have a story about the unique journey of our lives, the path that has taken us from there to here. Generally, the person who has chosen to set off on an adventure, away from the place where they were born, is a person who is seeking something intentional in life; they are creating their own meaning.
This openness and willingness to explore may be the very same characteristics that help you make sense of life, death and your purpose. Acknowledge your curiosity and let it be both a guide and source of support as you navigate grief and mourning.
6. Receive Ongoing Support From Others
Grief is not something that stops. It changes, takes on new forms, comes and goes with new rhythms, but it is always with us. As sentient beings who are conscious of the truth that we will someday die, grief, on some level, is a constant companion, whether we recognize it or not.
Because grief continues, it is helpful to be continually connected to sources of support. Where this support comes from may also change over time. Sometimes a therapist or online grief support group, and at other times a group of close friends, a visitor, a neighbor. Who in your orbit can you share your grief with?
Establishing a network of support offers us a meaningful opportunity to further connect with our Mexican communities. After all, we make friends by being vulnerable with others. If you’re not sure how to start, you might ask, ‘How could I help support others in my community with their grief?’ Karmically, the most effective way to get what we need or want is to ensure others have that very same thing.
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For a more in-depth exploration of the six needs of mourning, the Center for Loss & Life Transition recommends Dr. Wolfelt’s book, The Journey Through Grief: Reflections on Healing.
